Author Archive
Radovan, Robert and Omar
If they really have got Karadzic then tyrants and war criminals the world over should be shaking in their boots because we’re coming to get you all. There is no escape. Despite the evil and corruption that still exists in the world, is this not a breath of fresh and sweet air? Perhaps there is hope for mankind? Perhaps this does show that we are making progress.
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall And My Future
I have become an immense fan of Hugh’s recently. River Cottage was always a programme that I enjoyed but with the assistance of the marvellous torrent site (forget the iPlayer) www.thebox.bz he has become an obsession.
If I need a little relaxation, a little soothing, noone does it better than Hugh. It is, perhaps, ironic, that he shares the name of my younger brother who is the most sour, miserable character, for Mr F-W always lifts my spirits and inspires me towards a gentler life and to chop my onions, crush my garlic and delicately simmer my vegetables.
I confess that I do not always hold entirely true to his philosophy. My pungent tomato soup tonight was nurtured from my homegrown coriander but the remaining ingredients were Tesco’s onions, garlic and tinned tomatoes and it tasted bloody marvellous.
It looks as if Emsworth is to see the back of me shortly – credit crunch, buy-to-let mortgage, landlord’s wife is pregnant – and I am inspired towards Dorset. My clifftop writer’s retreat, above the crashing surf, my dogs, my garden, etc, etc. Protest not! I am paid to dream and to chronicle my ambition and that is where it now lies.
This very week I am travelling west (as every young man should) and hoping that my nirvana is ahead. I have set my sights betwen Lyme Regis and Swanage and somewhere there I intend to find my new home.
The Banks, The OFT, Avarice and Evil
At last, some straight talking from the OFT about the way the Banks treat consumers. As if we didn’t know it already but there is no excuse for the way these evil institutions have been allowed to operate and there can be no more compromise or filibuster about the consequences for them. They behave as if they are above the law. They conduct themselves in ways which in any other context would be defined as theft and fraud. Whilst they throw people out of their homes, deny legitimate business the means to operate, they let their cocaine-fuelled gamblers take ludicrous risks on ridiculous schemes and all the time present themselves as the backbone of our financial system.
Christ’s rage in the temple is the precise analogy. It is time that we saw some of these silver haired, grey suited monsters in jail. Their depth of corruption and manipulation and creation of misery has no comparison. Right now the financial squeeze we are all suffering is entirely down to the incompetence of the banks in making lending decisions based only on the greed of individuals conspiring to create multi-million pound bonuses for themselves. They deny honest, hard-working people the means to progress or recover but there is no consequence for themselves when things go wrong.
Let us pray that the OFT follows through on this properly and brings to heel these out of control, rabid dogs.
Plod – the truth about our wonderful police force
I admit, I am not a 100% law abiding citizen. I park on yellow lines. I exceed the speed limit. I smoke weed. BUT I would describe myself as a strong supporter of the police. Any society has to have rules and that means there has to be someone to enforce them. I don’t envy the police in their responsibilities and I admire the way that many of them are fulfilled. If you’ve ever been in a traffic accident and seen the way they deal with such chaos amidst the confusion, fear and danger, you have to admire their training and focus. If you’ve ever lived in central London and experienced the little shits, wasters and a***holes who plague the streets then you have to admire their patience and persistence.
I think “institutional racism” was probably a fair criticism but then it was born out of the fact that the majority of street violence and crime was carried out by young black men – and still is. If I was a policeman I’d probably be “stopping and searching” more blacks than whites. It wouldn’t be my job to worry about the causes and the social whys and wherefores. My job would be to protect the public.
There is another institution in the police though and its been there for years. You can call it cynicism. You can understand it by realising that they see themselves, inevitably, as separated from the rest of us – on another side. You can appreciate how the ridiculous administrative load they are placed under grinds them down. BUT they can be their own worst enemies when they deal with people in a way that alienates and antagonises those that want to support them.
I had an experience with my local police in Havant recently that, at the end of the day, just makes me sad. It’s a leadership issue really and whilst I feel pretty sore at the rather stupid young policewoman who tried to stitch me up, I don’t really blame her. She’s a foot soldier, not gifted with huge intelligence and steeped in this destructive culture of “us and them”.
I had some property stolen from me in what you might call a “domestic” context. In fact it wasn’t mine. If it was I’d probably have let it go but I had to get it back and I had no option but to look to the police to do their job and enforce the law.
So, knowing all too well that if I telephoned it in or even went to the police station to report it, I’d just be brushed aside, I made a written complaint.
After two weeks I’d had no response at all so I managed (with extreme difficulty) to find an email address and sent a reminder. It took several further emails and a number of telephone calls before, nearly six weeks after my initial complaint, a crime reference number was allocated.
Another week later I attended at Havant police station to make a statement. I very much had the impression that the policewoman was just going through the motions and she was much more interested in any detail that would enable her to write the matter off as a “domestic” rather than deal with the real issue. I did say to her that I felt I was entitled to rely on the police to take action but I didn’t think that was unreasonable.
Nevertheless, she took my statement and was pleasant enough. She made some small talk and casually enquired how I had travelled to the police station and where I was parked.
As she showed me out of the police station we met two of her colleagues in the corridor who I held the door open for. I returned to my car, drove less than 25 yards from my parking space and was suddenly and violently intercepted by a police van driving across in front of me.
The two colleagues I had met in the police station emerged from the van and told me that they proposed to breathalyse me. They called another car in and I found myself on the pavement surrounded by four police officers being made to take a breath test – which I passed.
Draw your own conclusions. Mine are that I have no confidence in Havant police at all, in their bona fides, good intentions, integrity, intelligence or even common sense. I don’t blame the policewoman involved because she’s just a victim of the police culture that creates this sort of stupid, dumb, “us and them” culture.
In the higher echelons of the police force there are clearly some very clever people doing fantastic work on matters such as anti-terrorism and thank God they are. Amongst the footsoldiers, as well as the heroes and those who understand their role as a public servants, there are undoubtedly inadequate individuals who choose a uniform to bolster their own self image and who enjoy wielding authority that is beyond their ability.
It is a leadership issue. If you antagonise, offend, upset and deal shabbily with those you are supposed to “protect and serve” then where do you expect your support to come from?
Walking The Dog 5
Our climate seems to be playing many tricks on us these days. Or at least, so the media frenzy about global warming would have us believe. With my personal experience and memory stretching back only about 40 years it’s difficult to know whether what seems unusual in that context is merely just the ebb and flow of nature. This spring and summer certainly seems to have been missing our normal south-westerly winds. Instead they’ve been coming from the east and closer to due south.
It was the return of a more familiar wind direction that gave rise to another rather embarrassing confrontation with the local wildlife and another failure to capture the event with my camera.
As Capone and I pass by Warblington Church, I suppose it’s my many repeated commands to walk to heel in case of any traffic which means that it has become a habit and, try as I might, I cannot encourage him to “get on” and quarter the ground in front as his half-pointer breeding should favour. He just prefers to walk by my side.
As we swing round past the old vicarage and turn south again down the Pook Lane path to the sea, he changes and forges ahead, often unseen, even on the brightest day, in the dark and dappled tunnel of hedgerow. To both sides there are ditches, thick with nettles and to my right, the west, a field of pasture, foot high with grasses. About a third of a way down we pass two great cedar trees. If you look seaward from the Havant junction on the A27 you can’t miss them. They appear to be three but, in fact, one splits right near the base of its trunk.
Right there, with wind in my face, a russet shape with a great bushy tail wanders along the edge of the field, casual, calm and blissfully unaware, my scent blown behind me before any chance of reaching him.
He is less than six feet from me. His feet at my eye level. Even fumbling for my camera does not alarm him. The wind is strong enough to blow away the noise too. My clumsy camera work continues and he walks right past paying me no notice.
Now I have to turn back slightly and towards the ditch. At last my viewfinder is on but I can’t see him anymore. So I part the nettles with my leg and edge gently into the ditch – until I begin to slide.
Arms and face tingling with nettle stings, I have discovered that the ditch is six feet deep and as I try to scramble back up, who should be there looking down at me with bemusement? Capone, of course, complete bafflement on his face as to what these human beings get up to and why!
The other “environmental” issue that has been concerning me are the vast carpets of glutinous seaweed that have been smothering the beaches. Sid, the Emsworth harbourmaster and fount of all knowledge on such matters, tells me that it is caused by nitrates washed down into the sea from the farmland.
It is revolting stuff, perhaps six inches deep, slippery and treacherous to walk over. In bright sunlight it bleaches quickly and dries to a crispy underlay over which the next tide deposits another layer. I was lucky enough to enjoy a day’s sailing in a 45 foot yacht out of Northney Marina and saw great swathes of the stuff as far out as the Isle of Wight. Then suddenly, with no mention of our local problem, “mutant seaweed” choking the Olympic Games sailing venue in Beijing has become a stick with which to beat the Chinese.
I hold no brief for the Far East at all but surely this is just more media befuddlement, cheap sensationalism (even in The Times!). We love to paint them as the great polluters, as incompetent to manage this great sporting occasion. Look closer to home first, skip the all expenses paid trip to China and please, can someone give us some honesty, some straightforwardness and some real information?
Capone agrees too. “Now get on and throw that stick!”
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, Eggs and Chickens
I love eggs, particularly lightly scrambled with loads of butter, or lightly boiled. In both cases with lots of salt, black pepper and fresh granary bread (and more butter). I buy into the River Cottage campaign completely on all the bases of animal welfare, taste and nutritional value.
As you will have gathered, I am also a glutton, so I habitually go for the “Very Large Organic Free Range”. Every time I crack one it runs all over the pan and frequently breaks the yolk.
My father, who has not yet achieved enlightenment on this issue buys the cheapest he can get, usually packs of 15 from Sainsbury.
Regrettably, (and please can someone explain?!!) every time I cook breakfast at my parents’, every egg that I crack holds together tight and firm and upright, looks fresh, tastes better…
I don’t want this to be the truth but it is. Not just once but over a period of months. Something is wrong here. There is someone being dishonest about some stage in the egg process.
Can anyone explain?
The Africa Union and Mugabe
He should certainly have been arrested on sight and I could probably have been persuaded that he was shot while trying to escape. Nevertheless, The AU must condemn him in the strongest possible terms. Every step they take back from immediate arrest is a betrayal of their people. At least be clear in your judgement even if you have no courage for action.
Mutant Seaweed
An article in Friday’s Times tells of the difficulties facing sailors competing in the Beijing Olympics due to an invasion of mutant seaweed described as “thick as a carpet”.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/olympics/article4221527.ece
We are suffering from the same problem in Chichester Harbour and I can personally testify to the deep pile quality of this very unpleasant weed. I consulted the authority on such matters, Sid, the Emsworth harbourmaster. He tells me it is caused by nitrates seeping down into the harbour from farmland. I have seen great swathes of it as far as 10 miles out and around the Isle of Wight. The tide brings it up to the beach and deposits it in layers four to six inches thick. It is difficult and slippery to walk over and is bleached almost bright white and crispy by the sun in the space of a day. Then the tide brings another layer up and massive areas of the foreshore become clogged with it.
“This Morning” with Fern, Phil and Evan.
Already handsome, overrun with female admirers and, dare I say, happy, now his career as a media celebrity is taking off. Evan will appear on “This Morning” on Monday (30th June 2008) to promote his bionic hand, his Channel 5 documentary and his general magnificence! All hail the conquering hero, my son!
Robo Chick and Bionic Boy
Just watched a rough cut of my heroic younger son’s TV debut where his “bionic” hand, replacing the one he lost in a road accident two years ago, is featured alongside an American woman’s “bionic” eye. As usual, I had no success in holding back the tears. Nothing can diminish my admiration for his courage and fortitude in the face of what would have devastated a lesser man. So watch out for the broadcast on Channel 5 on 2nd July 2008 when all will be revealed and no doubt Evan will provoke an emotional outpouring and a flood of fan mail from pretty young girls throughout the country.
Peter Reynolds 