Extreme Dog Walking
This is the new, ultra hip, super cool sport for happenin’ dudes, dudesses and their doggies.
Started on the Dorset coast in the autumn of 2010, it has finally brought together the noble traditions of dog walking, singing in the rain and mad, British malarkey. Contrasted with the idea that only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun, this is the sport where only bonkers Brits and adventurous dogs go out in a torrential storm.
You’ve never been really wet until you’ve been Extreme Dog Walking. When the rain has been blown past horizontal, round to vertical but going upwards, then you begin to get a flavour of this exciting and challenging sport. When you have to walk with your face turned away from the stinging shotgun pellets that are rain drops while the dogs whimper and scuttle about your feet, only then will you begin to understand the determination, courage and true grit necessary to survive and succeed in this competition to end all competitions. Far below the sea can just be seen as a seething mass of whitewater. As the squalls come in the whole environment darkens and the gale force winds thrash and tangle at hat and clothing. Even with the air temperature at 17 C, the rain makes your hands freeze and your face smart. All you can do is call the dogs on, put your head down, gird your loins, steel your determination and go forth into the turbulence. There is no option to stop. It is as far to go on as it is to retreat. Forwards is the only option. Onwards to the end, to glory and glorious triumph!
As in all such endurance events the best bit is when it stops. A first layer of saturated “waterproofs” is peeled off and then the dogs are towelled down. Then off come the boots, often with gushes of water as each one is removed. Finally, right down to the underwear, each soaking layer is removed and the steam begins to rise. Then we begin to yarn, to talk of how every gust seemed bigger than the last. To boast of how we just made it through when all seemed lost, how we nearly got caught by that “gnarly” one, how we feel so “stoked” and “trashed” by our experience. Then we sit around in our “baggies”, drinking beer and smokin’ weed, knowing that we know what others never can, knowing that up there in them thar hills is where we feel really alive, where our sport of Extreme Dog Walking makes life worthwhile!
Ed Miliband
I’m rather proud of the two brothers. Be as cynical as you like, it must have been a dreadful time for both of them. They have behaved as gentlemen, with great honour and dignity. They have risen above the snide provocations of the press. I thought David’s determination to stand well clear to give Ed a clear run was a noble and sincere act. He will return as an elder statesman. He will become an ever more important figure in British politics.
I’m more than happy to see a new broom in Ed. The Labour Party needs a fresh start. I think he’ll try to be his own man. He’ll try to shed all the baggage and forge his own path. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. I wish him well because I do believe that a strong opposition is a good thing. The inside information I have, from the heart of Ed’s campaign team, is that in reality he’s way to the right of David. We’ll see!
The Labour Leadership
I suppose I should get my six ha’porth in, if that’s the correct expression, before the result is announced.
The very entertaining More 4 programme, Miliband Of Brothers, finally corrected my spelling last night. There may be two brothers but there’s only one “l”. I’ve been getting it wrong all the way through this thoroughly underwhelming campaign. At least it will be all over this afternoon. Then we’ll be treated to the appalling spectre of Gordon Brown making a farewell speech. Farewell and good riddance I say. The worst British prime minister in my lifetime. No doubt about that.
David Miliband is the obvious choice. He has the gravitas that you would expect from an ex-foreign secretary but I fear that he will be yesterday’s man by the time of the next election.
Ed Miliband has most of the qualities that his brother offers but with a spark of individuality that I think would serve his party well. If I was a a Labour supporter, wanting to see the party succeed, Ed would be my choice.
Andy Burnham can be very proud of the campaign he has run. He is coherent, honourable, very telegenic and, I should think, every Labour mum’s toyboy fantasy. He hasn’t got a hope in hell.
Ed Balls? Now as a Tory he gets my vote. What a total plonker! He would be disastrous for the Labour Party but it would make wonderful entertainment for the rest of us. I can dream!
I’m very fond of Diane Abbott. Along with all my fellow political junkies I love the Michael & Diane sofa partnership on “This Week”. They’re the real stars of the show, forget the leering old lothario in the corner. Trouble is, Diane isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact she’s probably the bluntest in the entire kitchen so I’ll be looking forward to seeing her back on the sofa with Michael next Thursday.
The Public Sector Pay Scandal
There are very few things in politics that are simple. This is an exception. The principle, implied by Panorama, that no one in the public sector should be paid more than the prime minister seems very sensible to me.
I already knew that BBC senior executives enjoy vastly overinflated pay but the fact that Mark Thompson, director-general of the BBC, gets £838,000 per annum is shocking. It is particularly hard to take after the absurd spectacle of the Pope’s visit. The leader of a very minor church, presently mired in appalling scandal, has enjoyed a bonanza of free, round the clock, TV, radio and internet promotion. I didn’t know but it turns out that Mark Thompson is a rabid Catholic. He has a nerve to run his own private campaigns at our expense! This is too much!
He is at the top and is the very worst of a deeply depressing list of excess and vanity. I am sure that many of these people are very able and skilled in their profession. If and when they choose to go into the private sector they may well make millions. While in the public sector, every single one of them should be very grateful for the privilege to serve.
The argument about market forces, put forward by the leader of Liverpool City Council, is just a weak excuse. If he really believes it then he needs to think again. Believe me, real market forces will sort this out, no problem. We will still get the very best in senior positions if we recruit properly. Successful people will seek to make their name in the public sector first, in prestige positions, then move on to make their fortune.
I say increase the prime minister’s salary to £250,000. These gestures of senior politicians cutting their own pay are meaningless and impress no one. Make that the maximum that anyone in the public sector can earn. Enforce it immediately. All salaries to be trimmed to that level from 1st October. I see everything in favour of this and nothing against.
The BBC’s Absurd Level Of Coverage Of The Pope
This has been another grave error of judgment by the BBC.
According to the 2001 census there are 4.2 million Catholics in the UK. According to the 2005 Church census, just 887,000 are regular worshippers. Does this justify the absurd level of wall to wall coverage we have had to endure over the last four days?
It looks totally disproportionate to me. More like some sort of subversive attempt by religious zealots to impose their superstitious beliefs on the rest of us.
If any other group can prove nearly a million regular supporters in the UK will the BBC guarantee equivalent coverage?
With 96 straight hours of guaranteed airtime, whoever you are, whatever your “act”, you’ll easily be able to fill Hyde Park and venues all over the country. You’ll make a fortune!
My Tribute To The Pope
Without kind permission of Crosby Stills & Nash but with enormous gratitude.
CATHEDRAL
Six o’ clock
In the morning I feel pretty good
So I dropped into the luxury of the Lords
Fighting dragons and crossing swords
With the people against the hordes who came to conquer
Seven o’clock
In the morning here it comes I taste the warning
And I’m so amazed I’m here today
Seeing things so clear this way
In the car and on my way to Stonehenge
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral
Sunlight pouring through the break of day
Stumbled through the door and into the chamber
There’s a lady setting flowers on a table covered lace
And a cleaner in the distance finds a cobweb on a face
And a feeling deep inside of me
Tells me this can’t be the place
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral
All religion has to have its day
Expressions on the face of the Savior
Made me say
I can’t stay
Open up the gates of the church and let me out of here
Too many people have lied in the name of Christ
For anyone to heed the call
So many people have died in the name of Christ
That I can’t believe it all
Now I’m standing on the grave of a soldier that died in 1799
And the day he died it was a birthday
And I noticed it was mine
And my head didn’t know just who I was
And I went spinning back in time
And I am high upon the altar
High upon the altar, high
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral
It’s hard enough to drink the wine
The air inside just hangs in delusion
But given time
I’ll be fine
Open up the gates of the church and let me out of here
Too many people have lied in the name of Christ
For anyone to heed the call
Too many people have died in the name of Christ
That I can’t believe it all
And now I’m standing on the grave of a soldier that died in 1799
And the day he died it was a birthday
And I noticed it was mine
And my head didn’t know just who I was
And I went spinning back in time
And I am high upon the altar
High upon the altar, high













